No Contact tonight.
When I met Gadget as arranged in Newtown at 6:30pm, he told me that he'd learned that afternoon that the Contact Improv class starts at 6pm, not, as he'd previously advised, 7pm. I went along anyway, but didn't feel comfortable joining in when I saw the crowd of people writhing separately on the floor. I told Gadget that I needed to come at the beginning of the class, maybe next time, and went to leave. He questioned me on this, insisting everyone was just warming up/doing their own thing. My feelings not being valid enough apparently, I searched for a rationale, and told him that I wasn't comfortable interrupting the energies, the atmosphere, the vibe that had been set up. He didn't easily accept that I had any valid reason to go. Maybe I didn't. Maybe I'm just letting my fear/belief of being hurt or rejected cripple me. But I'm trying to work through this, but one step at a time. And that means joining a class at the beginning, not half way through. Anyway, I left, he stayed, and I cried some of the way home because I had been looking forward to safe human contact, and was now conscious of the lack of that and the lack of chance of this lack changing and how I feel when people reject me from human society because I am a faggot cunt, to quote one random stranger who yelled this at me on the way there. I wish I had been with a friend who could have noticed how uncomfortable I was and walked with me. Or maybe he's right and I am being unreasonable and there is no point in him ruining his contact experience because I have too many issues to just join in with a group of strangers who have already bonded and know the agenda. There you go, wrote like that, I probably was being unreasonable. Too needy. Can't just go with the flow when I feel great fear.
The good side is that I got some much needed shopping done in Newtown, and will have food for breakfast tomorrow.
The bad news is that the contact class starts at 6pm, and I don't know if I can get away from work early enough. (My office closes at 6pm)
Ah, I could manage it if I wanted. But I think it's the sort of thing I need a friend at, someone who will be there for me, and leave with me even if I am being unreasonable and terrified. I think I'm too much effort for Gadget, and that's fair enough to him to set his boundaries and do his own thing.
Maybe I'll feel better later, and get to the start of next week's class, by myself if necessary.
I have to do something. I can't just rely on my poor housemate to bear the burden of touching me because no one else will. I won't be an endless burden.
But I have to regularly experience being truly accepted by other humans as an okay human even if I am not a man or a woman, okay to be part of all the other things healthy humans do together, including touching, and even being considered suitable for sex.
Not tonight, I guess, but, "This too will pass."