A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Androgyny for me forever

Well, that's that settled then. No hormones, no development of female secondary sexual characteristics, just being as I am, androgynous, female, boyish... and anyway, I do have secondary sexual characteristics.. those of a eunuch... I smell like me, and I look like me, and if God hasn't put somebody else on this planet who'll like that, well, that's God's business I suppose, and odds are G probably wouldn't strand someone like that, but anyway I'm sticking with being me because this is how I like me most, and although I'd like it if I met some nice guy who liked me too, that's up to God to arrange, and it's nothing but bad karma if I alter myself, this living androgynous divine art work, out of however strong a carnal desire, however wretched the despair. My first duty is to honour my values, and their priority, and being true to myself is right up there, along with my love for my androgynous body.

Well, at least I can clearly state that I have no gender confusion. After all this, I can confidently state I am profoundly androgynous. Androgyously female. Whatever. But no boobies for this beautiful lithe ladytomboy, thanks.

And I am sure of my course, even if I am terrified of the potential consequences, but I cannot choose any course but being true to myself regardless of the cost to my personal comfort. What's the point of me being just another sell-out?

I accept fully who I am, and I am committed to being true to that, wherever it leads.

Even if I am whispered about constantly in public, even if the kids whine "Are you a girl? Are you a girl? Are you a girl", even when strangers feel impelled to police my gender abnormality, even if almost every guy finds me sexually unattractive... whatever...

I am not here to sell out my physical body for the sake of mere sensory gratification (and shit karma). I can alter my desire sooner than I would alter my body now.

Clearly, it's my calling to be me, as I am now, androgynous, totally vulnerable to all the abuse hurled at people percieved to be of gender diversity/ deviation, facing my worst fear, (lovelessness), releasing any hope of the ego arranging some guarantee of emotional safety, not leaping into the abyss but confidently striding through the dark, knowing that this is God's path for me, knowing that only by being true to myself am I in the Tao, the Way, and that anything less is bullshit.

I went to Paddy's, and bought some lovely clothes for my lovely androgynous frame. I'm a size eight skirt, size ten with lots of taking-in adjustments for a lovely white linen Chinese unisex suit thing. Oh it's lovely. It'll be ready Thursday, and I'll be walking tall, unique, eunuch, taking it all on the chin and in my stride, at the mercy and grace of the Oneness we are all part of, surrendering to my maker, because at the end of the day, I am in awe of what they have made.

Thank you to all who were part of my journey through this, especially to Dorothy, and whoever wrote that first hymn that cracked me up or broke me well through this morning. I lived it as I sung it.

Blessed be.

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