A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Friday, March 03, 2006

Bent for Lent

At our fortnightly church supper, Dorothy read an article she wrote about Lent (check out tomorrow's Melbourne Age), basically three schools of thought about how one might reflect on Jesus following his course true even into death.

One angle that I get is that I have to stay true to my own course, and not compromise it to alleviate the emotional anguish or slight mental discomfort of unwilling abstinence. It really is a matter of belief, and while the Universe may be trying to bring me the good stuff I want, it is also obliged to bring me the bad stuff I focus on, because it just brings me what I believe in, good or bad. And in my brain there have been a lot of thoughts pretty much amounting to I am not / have not been/ am not likely to be sexually attractive to a healthy man. These thoughts tend to come up whenever I think about wanting a lover, because I then reflect on my record. And they are completely counter-productive.

I think I have to just stay on my course, abandon any conformative notions like going on hormones or dressing as one particular gender or getting cosmetic surgery or altering my behaviour to follow the agendas of others.

Yesterday morning, on waking, I had a moment. I was thinking of God, and I felt that I was in our church with our little congregation, and really felt comfortable and connected to the Universe, that God loves me, and if I put my faith in that, then my beliefs will shift, and therefor so will my experienced reality.

People have all sorts of agendas, conflicting, shifting, some based on love/good feelings/good intent, some unexamined and based on fear. Following them is a pretty dangerous idea. But I can be more in control and mindful of my own agenda, and have faith in God (who loves me, and will bring me the lover I want when I stop sending counter-productive signals), which will increase the quality of my beliefs and my thoughts and what I do and what I pay attention to, and therefor increase the quality of my manifested reality.

I'm giving up other people's agendas for Lent.

I'm giving up any influence of normativity. I resolutely reject the hegemony, and resolve to stay even truer to my own light. And trust God.

I can be uptight or depressed or anxious or desperate... OR I can trust God. That's not a tough choice. As long as I remember to keep making it! (Oh, but the seductiveness of emotional intensity and angst and drama.... yeah, FEH! I want the good stuff, thanks, and to accept no subsitutes!)

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