A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Friday, March 17, 2006

The end of childhood

So, I've talked with a few people about my decision to go on hormones, and they have all agreed strongly that if I want to be sexually attractive, I have to have secondary sexual characteristics. I can take a hint. I guess that's more realistic than my egotistic fantasy of them saying, "Oh no, no, don't be silly, lots of guys fancy you, here, come to this party with me and meet some of them..."

And if it's just a hypothesis, well, I've bloody well tested the other hypothesis under every condition I could imagine, and found it unproven, so its time to test this new hypothesis.

A body that looks as female on the outside as I am on the inside is only a few months away.

And it's time to let go of the childish things I've been attached to, like the tranvestic thrill of hiding my true sexuality under an androgynous shell. Yes, I may have an androgynous personality, but my sexuality is quite more gendered. Or am I trimming the story to fit a more viable scenario? Ah, whatever, I quit, I surrender, I submit, I want to play the sex game and I am willing to do whatver it takes to do that, whatever it takes, and maybe it's well past time I let go of my Peter Pannish/ eternal tomboy self-image.

Certain adult things are important to me, so it's time to grow out of my girlish body. Pheromones and hormones and fatty deposits, here I come.

I feel crap if I think the hypothesis is true and think about being me right now, being therefor as sexy as a milk crate. But I should just think about the potential I have now, and it'll only take a few months, and it's better to realise that I am less sexy than a milkcrate and therefor be able to choose to change that, than to not realise I am less sexy than a milkcrate, and therefor be stuck being less sexy than a milkcrate whilst desperately needing to be rather more sexy than a milkcrate. Nothing against milkcrates or their admirers, mind you.

So, my Lenten journey may be to be true to my sexual needs, and sacrifice my old self-image, shed my tomboyhood, and rise anew as more like an adult woman.

Previously I'd thought it was about being true to my androgynous self-image, no matter what the opinions of others, and perservering through into darkness for a while to find the light. But mayhap not.

And so, reluctantly, I go, committed to hormones, and hopeful that the different results will ease my grief at losing some androgyny, and for being so wrong for so long.

How could I be so wrong for so long? But then, it takes as long as it takes, and I'm as smart as I am, and I've never thought I was the most intelligent when it comes to human interaction, and I was probably a bit blind sided by the initial catalysts of me going off hormones, with those nasty things that happened when I was first newly a woman (post-op, that is).

Life is Change.

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