A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Thursday, March 16, 2006

no ho or not no ho, is that the question?

Is this my crisis for Lent? How well do I stay to my true course when I feel threatened?

I am seriously comtemplating going back on hormones, to become chemically sexually attractive.

Is this true to my androgynous nature? Am I really so androgynous? Does my sexual desire for men indicate that I am somehow female in my core? I feel feminine in my actions and movements, but inside I feel like me, I don't know how others feel, sometimes I think I'm just a girl, sometimes I think I'm no different to any girly queen, I certainly have no regrets about my body being male in the past, but I really like my body as it is, although I could just maybe stand the effects of hormones, and I certainly don't think I can stand being sexually unattractive to every man. I don't want breasts. But I don't want to be chemically unattractive more than I don't want breasts, and I don't expect huge knockers anyway.

I'm really having to ask myself why I don't take hormones. When I quit them fifteen years ago (two years after sex change surgery), I just wanted to be clean of them, to be myself, and to not have who I am be dependent on a bottle of pills, to not have to buy myself from the shops. Or maybe I stopped hormones because I was traumatised by being threatened by a man who was angry when he found out I was not "a real woman" (a situation I am now more likely to avoid, by being hormone free and therefor looking less female), and/or traumatised from the gang rape that happened later that night (by boys who thought I was female, and again, I am less likely to be subject to that now that I am off hormones)... and maybe I'm older and faster and stronger and wiser and I will not be so threatened by situations like that again even if I take hormones.

Christ says there is neither male nor female in the ideal state, nor any other division (the other examples given being Greek or Jew, Master or Slave). Am I diminishing my commitment to following my truth if I take something to assume a female chemistry?

It may be that following my own course, if that is androgyny, then that may only allow celibacy, through being chemically sexually neutral to men. Is this part of my cross to bear?

Or should I just stop being a damned martyr and take the bloody hormones and give myself a decent chance of getting a decent fellow? Is my disdain for buying hormones just misplaced pride or hubris or an outdated post traumatic stress reaction? Maybe chemical androgyny causes celibacy, and I don't want celibacy, I don't, I really really don't.

I don't want to take hormones, but more, I don't want to be celibate. Is it a choice of one or the other?

I love my androgyny.

And maybe I just have to loosen my attachment to this eunuch state and join the rest of the chemically gendered human race.

Eww, it's just not ME

God help me.

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