A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Touch is not a daily need

Touch is not a daily need.

All my daily needs are met each day.

It's in the most famous (English) prayer; "Give us each day our daily requirements."

So, if this affirmation is correct (or, seen from a positive persepective) I don't need to be touched on any given day, because I am not.

And strangely enough, when I don't think about the lack of touch, I'm okay.

When I beat myself up with other people's standards, I'm VERY not okay.

And I'm so very tired of trying so hard, and tired of the overwhelming dissappointment that is the only result of my amorous endeavours unless, God bless, I get lucky, and the disappointment is only a small one (cos, at least I got touched, however lacking in quality, and truth to say, it is so lacking in quality that I really can't be bothered anymore). Maybe if I try so much for so little result, God is trying to tell me something. Not something nasty, like I'm unloveable, for that's just crap, and God doesn't do shoddy work. But maybe I don't need to get touched much. There is a difference between want and need.

I am blessed with a lot in this life, and if I discount the touch issue, my life attributes compare very favourably with most people's, I reckon.

A girl who once had ulterior motives told me that everyone needs to be hugged twice a day, and I believed her. And ever since I've sort of nagged myself for not getting those hugs. And felt shortchanged at not getting touched. And put up with a lot of boredom and chlorine and bad music and exhaustion and rejection for the sake of a touch that usually didn't happen.

And yet, when not obsessing about what I haven't got, I'm very happy with my lot in life. VERY happy. (Practically gay!)

There's not much chance I'll be touched today, or in the foreseeable future, but I choose to believe I'm okay today, that I can be okay even if I don't get some regimented two hugs today or any other day. I don't want to feel bad about something I haven't got. I want to enjoy what I have.

I'm okay today, all day, and all my daily needs are met each day. And I'm not here to live anyone's life but my own, and even though touch is largely absent, other things fill my life with an abundance of rich experience and joy.

I want to appreciate this more, without thoughts about what I haven't got being a distraction. I don't need them.

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