Crying for days
Every day has started this way since last Thursday morning. I cried for about two hours then, all the way through my morning exercises and meditation, but I refused to medicate, as I had work to do that required an unmedicated brain. Instead, I decided to quit smoking, since my sinuses had been so cleaned out by all the crying. And I figured that stopping smoking would demonstrate to myself that I was doing something proactive about addressing my complaint.
I smoked a tiny amount of tobacco Thursday and Friday, and managed to stay clean of it for all of the last three days. There's no point in busting now, for I'm over the physical hump. Now there's just the psychological dependence, and the grief of the ended relationship (with tobacco). But it was a crap relationship, like my last romantic partnership, and while it may have comforted me by relieving the withdrawal symptoms (as my erstwhile human partner comforted me with skin contact), it was destructive to my life and skin and breath and the chances of any man finding me intimately attractive (just as me being romatically partnered with a fundamentally passive homosexual man who had to cheat on me and steal from me and lie to me was detrimental to both my physical happiness and my domestic security).
Day three of tobacco free, yesterday, was a little challenging, being my first day at work without the crutch/smokescreen, dealing with numerous problems.
But today I didn't stop crying after I woke up, and only lasted a couple of hours at the office before I had to declare myself unfit for duty.
I am telling myself that the problem is just a meme, a nasty "screaming memey". But there's too much energy behind it right now, and I can't reason it away. Is this what's always been underneath my habitual smokescreen?
i envy all other humans who have a real chance for personal intimate loving relationships. i envy my friends who have and talk about their love life and i resent that i am excluded, even though it must be my own fault. They tell me that it's just the meme that excludes me, although some of them ascribe the meme to society more than to me.
The meme is that i am not sexually attractive to any man, for i have no secondary sex characterstics, i am not a man or a woman, nor even a doubly sexed transsexual, but just a neuter with no sex hormones and a strong resistence to taking any.
My friends look at a man and tell me he's sexy. i feel reminded that i cannot participate in this. no man finds me sexy, and i don't think any ever will.
My friends tell me i'm beautiful, but that's no solace, for it seems to me that if i am beautiful, it is in the way that my cat or a flower is beautiful, and no one wants to get jiggy with them, or me.
My friends offer me a hug out of sympathy, but that's not the sort of contact i am missing, and i feel miserable that the only time i am offered physical touch is when i am extremely distressed, and the offer is out of pity.
i think back to when i used to have someone to sleep naked with occassionally, and that was over ten years ago, when I would stay out all night drinking, and occassionally get lucky in the wee hours, or the morning after at an early opener.
The evidence of my history is that i am attractive only till the beer goggles fall off, or as a transitional partner (for men moving from straight to gay, or moving to expressing as transgendered), or as a fantasy actor (when I was a sex worker, serving the desires of others and not my own), or as a meal ticket (almost every "romantic" relationship I've been in).
i may have something to offer that some man will want, but i feel like i am dying in the meantime for lack of loving. i am surrounded by people who have love lifes, and i am happy for them, but i am starving, and looking at the banquet open to all men, women and transsexuals is too distressing for me currently.
This too will pass.
Thanks for bearing with me. I've had a slight break from crying as I typed this for the last hour or so.