A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Sunday, May 21, 2006

in pain

At church this morning, someone spoke of the discrimation parents practise against their gay children, and I was wracked by the pain of being rejected for my effeminacy since birth, the pain of living without love, the agony of being conditioned to not be dependent on physical affection, the impossibility of living without this without something to numb the pain (only tobacco will do?), and I did not want others to see me cry, for I was painfully taught not to cry in front of anyone, so I held myself from within, muscles gripping bone, and fled as soon as the service finished, and I am going to the beach, to feel the love from the sun and the sea air, to avoid thinking about human physical affection, and pray that there's not too much more agony for me, a quick sharp fatal heart attack would be nice, thanks God, but spare me the overwhelming despair of the crying child in me, forever out of reach of human love, please spare me from this endless grief, stop my goddamn crying, release me from hopelessness, don't let this pain immobilise me unless it also, please God, kills me.

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