A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Lessons from childhood

My problem is not that I am not sexually attractive; the problem is that I think I must be able to function without being dependent on (or recieving any) human physical affection.

I learned this as a child from my parents, who, perhaps because they were worried about me being a sissy boy sooky lala, decided to toughen me up by not picking me up or comforting me when I cried, and by leaving me to my own devices when I was pummelled by my older brother. So, I learned that I am abandoned to violence, that I cannot count on anyone in my family for help, that non-family are more likely to intervene to protect me (for I was saved from a pummelling whenever my brother and I were looked after by baby-sitters), and that I have to be able to cope without any physical comfort from those known to me.

But there was nothing wrong with me being a sissy boy sooky lala.

What was wrong and FUCKED UP were the actions and underlying beliefs of my parents, which they had no doubt inherited and implemented in a well-meaning if poorly thought out manner.

And now that I am aware of where my underlying pattern (of being fucked up when it comes to physically affectionate relationships) comes from, I can do something about it, and substitute some more positive beliefs and consequent behaviours.

There is nothing wrong with me being a sissy sooky lala. It's a beautiful thing.

I need and deserve physical affection.

(Lack of it will not kill me quickly, but it will kill me!)

I don't need to prove I can survive without human physical affection. I don't need to survive independently. I can live interdependently, and I want to.

I can and want to and deserve to give and recieve human physical affection.

Amen!

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