A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Saturday, May 20, 2006

More bullshit crying

I thought I was over the hump (if you'll pardon the pun) yesterday, being the first day in a week that I had actually woken up feeling happy, but today I was in tears all morning again, in fact, all the way to Villawood Immigration Detention Centre, and nearly had to cancel my visit, but I managed to stop the waterworks on the walk from the train station.

It's the weekend I can't stand, when single people are pairing up, when paired people are spending time with their partner, and my whole body aches and yearns and shakes and weeps.

I nearly went to the sauna yesterday, when I was feeling pretty good, but a friend asked me if I could cope if I didn't get lucky, and I couldn't face that prospect, so I went dancing, because I felt like dancing, and I danced for an hour or so at the Shift, and then sat down by the dancefloor for ten minutes, but nobody talked to me, except for some security wally telling me I couldn't sit there, and I left feeling unwanted and unwantable.

It's Saturday night now, and if I had any confidence at all, I should be out trying to get lucky, but I don't, and it's all I can do to keep my housemate from hearing me sobbing and crying. I feel sick. I hate being concious of my need for physical affection and the apparent impossibility of me actually attracting any physical affection.

Wanting personal intimacy is just unbearable torture for me.

I hope you're all doing better than I am!

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