A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Thursday, June 01, 2006

More preserverence, less keening.

A boy asked me last night if I was going to Confest. It's in June, very cold for camping out if you have no one to sleep with.

This morning I was hijacked by the thought that no one will sleep with me.

Last night I did a performance, and people told me I was good, but at the end of the night, people are paired up, and no one is paired up with me, SNAFU.

I'm going anyway.

I'm going to be beautiful and not be hijacked by bullshit despair. Des-pair. Lack of Pair : )

I have no resolution but the knowledge that the path of least persistance is the most direct route to failure.

I can perservere.

That's what got me through thus far. I just keep going, I just don't give up.

Sure, there are those bullshit times I waste crying and focusing on lack and envy and keening.

Keening.

It feels intense and meaningful, but it's bullshit dramatics.

I'd rather just get on with it, get out there and waste less time feeling sorry for myself, it's not productive, and only interupts my enjoyment of life.

Perserverence furthers, but keening does not.

Suffering is a choice.

It doesn't matter I have no normal gender, it doesn't matter if I am aged, it doesn't matter if I am a social porcupine.. Well, it does matter if I am social porcupine, but I can do something about that, I can drop the spikes, accept how beautiful everything is, and stop looking for the imperfections, the catch to the glamour. And maybe the patterns that keep people away from me pair-wise will dissipate.

Perserverence furthers, and suffering is a choice.

But Confest may make me too needy to have a sleeping partner, and it will be cold if I don't have one, but I do have a double sleeping bag so I can just double it up and I'll be warm enough. But I'm sad again just thinking of what I'll most probably have to do.

It's too emotionally fraught. Maybe I should just forget Confest and crying, both.

But I don't know if today is going to be a tobacco free day...

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