A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Friday, July 21, 2006

Shiniest Before Sunrise

One month into the Sixth Tibetan rite. Free of sexual angst the first two weeks, but the romantic anxiety slowly returned when I was at a conference with some sexy boys. Still, the rites, topped off with the Sixth, have given me confidence in my abdominal shape (ie it doesn't seem so fat and old and bloated and generally repulsive as often as it used to), though I think I strain myself sometimes trying to hold sexy poses and not relax into the fat forty five year old dickless old man I am.

I know, I'm a godling, a divinely sexy androgyne, but whenever boys get romanticly close I am fearful of all the times a boy threatened to hit me because I hadn't said I wasn't a real girl or boy, and I am nervous trying to work out how to be attractive while making sure they have the information they need to give informed consent to my attentions. But after all, mostly they didn't threaten violence, mostly they were just lousy lovers (and I'm sorry if any exes are reading this but did any of you volunteer to lick my cunt? No, you just saw the boy you thought I looked like, and never actually related to my body as it is, and certainly never wanted or desired the voracious female core of me.) So I should just take a chance they could be different, make sure I'm dressed in a way that no one can accuse me of hiding anything, and if a boy throws himself my way, catch him, instead of looking for the catch.

Last night I was at the Newtown, a gay hotel, with my best friend, playing pool, figuring there weren't any available attractive guys, then working out the two guys (a butch looking bloke and a twink) I'd noticed might not be a couple, then at the end of the night I heard boys whistling in my direction, and it turned out they were whistling at me. "My friend likes you", said the butch looking bloke, apparently not in a couple. I tried to engage with him and his mates, but it was all too frantic, a last minute pick up rush, he asked me if I smoked choof, and I asked if he thought it was okay to smoke here at the pub, and only when I got home I realised he was trying to invite me home "for a smoke" (D-Oh!) , I was flustered, expecially then when the twink came up and kissed me (!!!!!) and I thought I'd be surprised if he wouldn't faint if he saw a cunt, but he was the one I knew I fancied without question, and I twisted in my head wondering why I am so attracted to the inappropriate ones, and so I fled to the loo, and when I got back, Twink was tongue kissing my best friend, and the butch looking bloke was taking his leave with his mates. There was no one left for me, as usual, as always [no, don't put forever on it, it's just now, it's just for now, not always, don't have a drama, don't spoil snogging friend's night], so I said goodbye to my friend (after he managed to pry Twink off his tonsils for a second) and went home, trying to think of the fact that there were guys who thought I was attractive, and not focus on the fact I fouled it all up with a moment of hesistation.

I told myelf that next time when attractive guys flirt with me I'll tell myself I'm magic, that's what my gender/sex is, and I don't need to be frightened of people rejecting it, and this is less likely to happen if my attitude is positive instead of fearful.

I mean, guys, not unattractive gay guys, were whistling at me, and one of them said I was gorgeous, and a gorgeous twink kissed me. The sun's not up for me yet, but you know how they say it's always darkest before dawn? Well, I've done that bit, and now I'm thinking how it's also shinier and shinier as sunrise approaches. Well, sunrise must be approaching; things are looking shinier.

I'm going out this lunchtime to buy some more sexy clothes from the slutty stall run by Vietnamese folk in a corner of Paddy's markets, and dance up a storm at Club 77 tonight, and not run when guys approach me, and not panic, and hopefully it won't be an all or nothing last minute rush where I'm expected to make instant and good decisions about a group of strangers.

But I'm also becoming more okay with fancying the sort of guys I fancy. Maybe I'm crazy for liking androgyny, when sexually I need a fellow who is happy to just do the man's part in that part of the proceedings, and I'm certainly out of my league in fancying guys I'm well old enough to be the parent of, but fuck it, I'm in league of my own, or rather, I'm in the special league of those who see there is nothing separating them from the pinnacle, or the nadir, but a trick of the mind.

Let me marvel at the shiny things emerging from the dark. Let me put the cold night behind me. Let that sun come up warm...

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