A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Thursday, October 05, 2006

cuddles and portents

Last week I woke up and realised that I'd just been dreaming about lying in bed with a certain male friend wrapped around me, so I became depressed that I would even subconsciously want something that would most likely never happen, and started the day with the blues.

Then, a few days later, my friend called me about our proposed camping trip, saying he had no camping gear, and he actually agreed to share my tent and double sleeping bag.

The night we went camping, we saw a shooting star. I wished for a nice cuddle in bed. That night I got.... a nice cuddle in bed : )

It's better than sex.

It gave me the same blissful euphoric magic glow as Brian M falling asleep with his head on my shoulder when I was 16. Or when Steven S put his arm around my waist that same year.

It's five hundred billion trillion percent better than a furtive grope and seedy desperate sex followed by disavowal.

I know what the rutting animals get, and I want much much more. Give me divine intimacy!

I'm not in love with him, nor am I falling in love, but I loved the feeling of the feeling of his arm wrapped snuggly around my naked body. (For the record, I did fall in love with Brian M, but not Steven S, who was a better and close friend than the elusive Brian.)

Knowing what I like and focusing on it, I become more likely to cuddle with a cuddle bunny who may NOT be so disinclined to foster sexual interaction...

I've got all those hot young guys close to me who seem sexually active with every gender and age and activity but who have so far seemed specifically sexually unavailable to me.

My friend Kooky gave me some advice about this, She thinks the guys I fancy may be intimidated by me because I am an icon, so I should make more of an effort to relax them and signal a willingness to intimacy with, say, a hand on the shoulder, or a squeezed knee.

And I may not have been previously entirely comfortable with my sexuality. I tried to give guys my age an even chance, but they're really a much stuffier and less healthy generation than my personal standards allow. I like the slim guys and the guys who stay flexible and fit and healthy and the guys who are too young (under 25) to have become fat and blokey and unhealthy. So, they're twenty years younger than me, and I'm old enough to be their father or mother, but I'm not their father or mother, and I'm a sexy and very fit Tantrika.

It's not my place to challenge or shift the limits my friends have against sexual intimacy with me, for those limits must be respected if they are part of the structure of our friendship, (and I'd much rather the intimate relationship I have with my friend than have sex with him instead. And maybe we're too sexually alike to be compatible, and we honour each other and ourselves too much to fake something for the sake of partner pleasing...) but I can do something to stretch or dissolve the limits I impose on my love life. I've been too shy and insecure, and not known what to say when a new cute guy gets close to me.

That changes now. I survived being hit by a bus. Fear of rejection loses a lot of power by comparison. And, as the Miracle of the Naked Cuddle shows, God gives me what I persistenly and earnestly ask for.

Blessed be!

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