A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Friday, October 13, 2006

Post-Bus-Bounce

Justifying my importunity because I could be hit by a bus again, I asked a friend for a sexual favour, and he agreed to give me some sexual healing.

Three hours of luscious foreplay, but no follow through. You can lead a horse to water, but you need a thirsty horse, and that can't be faked. In the end, thinking about vagina was counter productive to the beautiful boy's erection, as it seems to be for all the guys close to me. Boy, was my libido cranky!!! All wound up and NOWHERE NOWHERE nowhere to go.

I wouldn't be surprised if the sheer voraciousness of my cunt frightened guys in general, not just the gay boys. It was all mostly just compliant, going along with whatever, when I was sex working, but my innate sexuality is more body animated and less ego controlled, and when my pussy is ready, it's a willful roaring nether mouth, my body turned rapturous raptor, my spine writhing like a snake rising to devour its prey whole, demanding and forceful and insistent and, well, basically, my pussy aint no pussy.

Still, it was pleasant and positive for me to experience completely unfaked sexual arousal, and my body's joy when it connects with the right kind of other body, with a pleasant other human's breath, smell, shape, texture, movement and response.

But I need a partner who is driven to fuck my cunt when it starts thrusting itself into the air. Or I just get another affirmation that I am unfuckable.

I've been so successful at making fundamentally mismatched connections.. but is it even possible for me to be part of a matched connection?

I have to spend less time with gay guys.

Then maybe there could be some cunt-fucker who wants to couple with me.

I am seriously uncoupled, in a mentally distraught way. I so fear I won't/can't be a match for anyone, because of my unusual sex.

And that fear is so strong it gives the thought an energy that manifests everytime, despite every other known rule about human love and sex and intimacy and relationship.

Love is stronger than fear. I don't mean if I just love the guys in my life more they will somehow change their brain hard wiring and find me sexually attractive (and not just for as long as they think of me as a boy or drag queen or pre-op transsexual). I mean if I love myself more, and take more risks, and take a chance at being bored mindless and have to deal with sexist shitheads and homophobes and all the other things likely to present at straight venues... But there are groovy places now like Kooky and.. and the queer/feral/uni student/scene around the inner west...

Again I am tortured with the hormone question. Would non-exclusively-gay guys fancy me if was more feminised? But would I fancy myself? I certainly don't fancy the idea of having more body fat hanging off my chest. I like my litheness. But I can't feed my cunt, and I'd give it all up, my beautiful androgynous body, if that would feed my cunt.

Fuck, guys, you don't know SHIT about being pussy whipped!

OK, current plan is to stay off hormones, and revisit this decision perhaps after a few months after I've given myself time to connect with a mate post-bus-bounce, maybe taking more chances to get close with the cute guys I do meet in mixed venues, cos I could hit by another bus tomorrow.

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