A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Encounter with psychologist

After a bout of depression focused around my lack of intimate love, I saw a doctor, who referred me to a psychologist, and along I went today, to see if I was missing any angle, or allow myself to be talked into taking hormones, or be comfortable being celibate, or perhaps find some third alternative. Guess what? Third alternative. Not that that was suggested by the psychologist... She was pretty sure taking hormones was the way to go. Her reasoning was that I deserved love, and hormones would make me more attractive to, ah, vaginaphilic men. I responded that if I am lovable, why do I need to take potion X to be lovable? If I am lovable, then I am lovable, with or without the addition of hormones. For me to take hormones to be lovable firmly implies that I am not lovable without hormones.

And I reject that. I am very happy with my unique eunuch body. I am just unhappy that I have not so far been able to find someone I fancy who fancies me with my unique eunuch body.

"I am lovable, just as I am." That feels true for me.

"I need to buy my lovability from the chemist"... that makes me nauseous.

"Wear shoes next time." That tells me this therapist is not for me.

I can't get reasonable help from people blinded by the idea that gender is binary, who can't see that the ascription of femininity or masculinity is an arbitrary invention of the imagination.

" You weren't born a eunuch," she said when I said I was happy with my eunuch body and wanted to find a partner who loved it as I did.

Ah, but I was born intersexed, I told her, with a feminised brain sprung to pattern my mother's behaviours, not my fathers, and a body with male parts and whatnot. I love my male skeleton, I love my feminine walk, I love my male vocal range, I love my female vocal patterns.

My truth, subject to new information, but for now, my truth is that I am androgynous, not ambiguous, and this is the way I am meant to be in this society struggling to evolve from brutal farm-breeding-based-morality, and I am lovable just as I am, and I hope and pray the Universe is kind enough to send me physical confirmation of this, but I am not ready to abandon reason for the comfort of normativity, or take hormones to attract a partner. I mean, if I'm not sexy, then I'm not sexy, but I reckon I am, and don't care for the tastes of those who disagree.

She wants me to wear shoes as a "hygene issue". I reject the idea that a bare sole is dirtier than an nerveless shoe. I choose free soles over fear of dirt.

And I choose to let this Universe love me as I am, without product X changing me. If the Universe makes a human like me so content with being a femme boy with a cunt, attracted to boys who seem a little androgynous, then it is quite likely it makes a boy I find attractive who will find me attractive. I'd rather trust the benevolence of a loving Universe than the interests of the Western Medical-Pharmaceutical-Industrial Complex.

I just have to pester my friends for more hugs till I find a proper lover. And trust the best of what my heart tells me, and not indulge in weepy dramatic replays of my sad history love-life-wise. Where I been don't matter at all next to where I'm going, and it's only where I am that counts.

There are no visible means of support for my heart, but that's okay. It's the invisible that supports people living at my level, if we trust it to.

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