A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Hooray for Jollywood

Peat's Ridge Festival this New Year, and I was hanging around the anarchist cast and crew of Jollywood, probably the most active (and radical) music stage area there. Out and about with the "general public" however, I had to process tons of tranyphobia. My gender non-conformity was blatantly obvious, since I danced around topless most of the time, and I could hear people in tents around us talking about the trany, what genitals did he have, and a lot of judgmentalism about transsexuality. But, I processed this; Most people believe the mainstream media, most people have a problem with gender diversity, and all of those people have toxic belief systems I choose not to take on board. I love them as I love the rest of the Universe, but that doesn't mean I need let their toxic beliefs poison my experience. They're just wrong, and one day they may wake up to reality, but in the meantime, I keep the company of the tiny minority, who act from love, creativity, friendship and compassion, not from fear or judgmentalism.

Sad to say, I was wearing virginal white on New Year's Day, but I did get a reasonable offer the next day from a nice man who gave me a ride on his motorbike. (Not quite my type, not quite the right time.)

I was consoled from ending 2006 sexlessly by sleeping with my best friend in his Mum's campervan, in quiet bliss listening to someone else's breathing during the night. I even enjoyed the sound of snoring from nearby tents. I don't think I was meant to sleep alone.

It does seem obvious that the course I've chosen, being true to myself, and so expressing as androgynous, and having the body of a boy with a vagina, I am subject to vilification by normativists, and close off many sexual options, as most normal straight identifying boys are apparently freaked out by me as a sexual prospect.

But open minded people are far better quality, and I am still hopeful that there is at least one human I find attractive who will reciprocate and consummate this attraction.

Thankfully, I was inoculated against the Messiah Complex when I was at Uni, but Christ, this is what it's like being uncompromisingly committed to love and the truth as I personally find it to be for me. The majority of people don't understand, and many actively vilify. They are not evil, they are just acting from belief systems that are now toxic, and voting for hypocrites who take us to war. I continue to love them and accept them as they are, but I will pay no heed to their foolishness.

And I shall pay no heed to the tranyphobia, or the fear that the people with gender diverse bodies, or my body in particular, won't get laid. The more I entertain that last fear, the more it manifests. It's just a thought, not a reality, despite it's being supported by my personal history. The thought created that aspect of my history, but it shall not withstand the reality of a Universe made from Love, as long as my focus is more on what I love than on what I fear.

I am absolutely committed to unconditional universal love, and that includes loving my androgyny, and refusing to change it while it feels so right for me, and trusting that the Universe does bring me all that I need, and if it turns out that this really means that I am practically physically sexually unlovable in this time and society, then I will be sustained by other manifestations of love.

And, between you and me, some of the anarchist boys began returning sexual eye contact with me as we packed up the festival, and I am somewhat optimistic about my chances of enjoying a jolly wood in the near future.

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