I don't care how you spin it being single is shit
It’s just not my time. Or not time for romance. Or I’m the product of corrupt imperialism (as a eunuch) and no one really healthy will be attracted to me. Or I’m just still too limited by my original pattern of getting by without affection and being unpopular and ever so slightly socially crippled.
I even tried buying an ebook this month on dating success for women, and I’m sure it’s got good advice for normally gendered folk, but would I want to play those gendered games, well, maybe, there is one gendered game I’d like to play, and my versatile days are long gone honey, so I thought maybe I should expect the “foreplay” to be gendered too (you know, with the woman making the man pursue her, and not giving in to sex till he’s interested in nesting), but it all rests on some guys giving the woman their phone numbers (and not the other way about, or at least, she aint allowed to call him first, apparently, or he loses interest, cos he needs the chase to be interested, apparently), anyway, it all depends on some guy asking for my number, and no guy asked for my number. They just haven’t. And it don’t seem likely neither.
I just hope this gendered shit really aint meant for me, cos it just aint my nature to hide my nature. I sit up straight when I fancy a man, and he notices, and the theory is that he will then have no interest because I am no challenge for him, and this is probably happening for the normative guys, but would they bother with the likes of me anyway, and is the cultural gap worth negotiating?
There are no guide books out here. But do I really want to be with those following the leaders, or be on the crest of the wave? Sure, those grapes were sour anyway, right?
OK, enough with the grape jokes already.
Maybe I’ll go to some groovy Mardi Gras event with some groovy bisexual boys, and at least be considered eligible. At present, I’m stuck between my dick-loving gay friends and my occasionally romantically misdirected lesbian friends (I love you darls, but I’m a poofter who just looks like a lesbian, understand? I like BOYS. And I’m awfully flattered but I’m well post-experimental and know well what straightens my spine), and boys whose biology attracts them to people who are biologically reproductively female in ways that I am nothing. Maybe harsh but true: I have no sperm to offer, no ova, and these things are not biologically isolated.
But maybe not everyone is reproductively focused. Maybe I just haven’t met them yet.
Maybe I’ll stop thinking of wanting a boy long enough to stop repelling them by thinking (implicitly) about not having a boy.
Che sera sera.
I’m not chained in a cell in Guantanamo Bay, I’m not starving to death in immigration detention, and I’m even undamaged from being hit by a BUS. I got my health, I got a fit body, I still do the yoga and Tibetan rites for me, even if it gives me a body so damn beautiful I just can’t work WHY no cute man wants to hold me naked and get breathy, but there’s still a point to doing the exercises, it’s for me, this body, whether any one else ever wants it or not. I have to tell myself that most mornings.
But someone might like this body. How can I know the future? Of course someone might. And of all the incredible things that happen to me, why should I not meet this unusual person? Maybe there wil be someone who fancies me for my personality, and my gender doesn’t matter much. Or maybe in this wonderful world where there lots of guys into pre-op tranys, there will be some cute and compatible guy actually into someone with a body like mine, you know, boyish, but with girl bits. In the reverse order to your usual trany.
And mostly I can get by focusing on the lovely things in my life and all around me. But invisible angels ghosts and pixies all around me, please conspire to bring me a lover! May the fates be kind! May I think and act positively, not get bogged down in self-sabotaging self-pity and whinging. May I believe in the evidence I see of all things being possible, and the benevolence of the universe, and be open to love, and have a non-sabotaging focus in the meantime, and just live my life and do what’s right and not obsess about guys and wanting intimate affection, and appreciate the love the sun and the wind and my friends have for me. Amen!