A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Attachment Theory

A friend’s housemate got me interested in Attachment theory (look it up on wiki), and I’ve been looking at my romantic life through this perspective. Basically, like many of my generation, as a child I formed no attachments, as my parents were either not dependably available, or were actively withholding physical comfort so as to discourage “sissy” behaviour. So, my early childhood pattern, in processing distress at isolation, was to be my own company, and to get by without anybody else. This has freed me to express my gender at will, since I have never been dependant on any particular person’s approval. And I’ve focused my attachment onto the abstract concept of humanity and social justice.

Yet, as this journal shows, I am not content with my own company all the time, and often yearn for human attachment. My challenge is revisualising myself as someone who can get by themselves, but who can also connect to others if they reciprocate human connection.

Ah, but how does one tell in advance who will reciprocate?

I guess one has to be willing to be wasteful, to make many investments that are not rewarded, in the hope of finding the few rewarding investments. And maybe I should be mindful of not pursuing bad investments too long… Although, I am grateful for the guys who just spend time close to me, and allow me to feel relief just from breathing in their pheromones, even if, at the end of the day, when they want physical closeness, they want to be with other boys or girls.

It’s also important to realize that I AM connected, and that disconnection is just an illusion.

Gorgeous guys still pop up into my life, and if I want to progress beyond pining for them, I just have to forget every lousy relationship I’ve had, built as they were on my foundation of proving I could get by on my own.

I want to see myself as someone who can see themselves being touched by a slim sexy guy who I want to touch and who wants to touch me, in all my androgynous and scarred and creased and lithe and flexible and vivacious and beautiful humanity.

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