A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Friday, January 26, 2007

Lovely Day Out

Big Day Out. Feeling really good. Met my friend Chris there as I walked in, without planning to. I’d offered him my plus one (I was performing a spot at Mondo Exotica), and he said it was a “quasi date”, and treated me like a lady all night, holding my hand and walking arm in arm, even when I changed out of my bright rainbow dress into a pair of jeans and bare torso. He’s loving and affectionate with everyone, but last night, he was loving and affectionate with me, and I still feel really good.

Mmmmm.

It is so nice to get physical affection from a nice man accepting me as I am, eccentric to consumerism, blithe to conformity (and meta signals and other social media), radically androgynous, an outrageously swishy smooth chest - camel toe.

Also met my best friend’s housemate, Amanda, and the gorgeously flamboyantly towering David from Kooky, and a few other anarchist spunks I’ve seen around, all by chance, at a huge event with hundreds of thousands.

I saw a boy wearing the flag, with a Greens sticker protesting "Sniff Off" to the pigs' dogs. Even those who don't realise they are friends of our borderless revolution of Love are our friends, for everyone wants freedom and happiness.

Got me cartoon in for the South Sydney Herald yesterday morning too. Woke up at 2am horny, managed to prove the wimpy eunuchs of the TV show on Hijras wrong (I reckon pretty much anyone with a prostrate can ejaculate. I mean, honey, it may take half an hour, and might not be earth shaking if you’re not really focussed, but, oh, come to think of it, hormones may make most transwomen backfire, so to speak, and not realise they’ve cum cos it’s just gone into the bladder. Anyway, been awhile since I’ve managed the full half hour, so to speak, without ruining it with negative thoughts about being alone, so I’m particulary happy about it).. where was I? Oh yes, stayed awake, decided to draw cartoon, and it was scanned and emailed by 4am. And then a trip to Olympic park, a gig where I got to take my clothes off and sing my heart out, and all that lovely gentlemanliness from my friend, and a live look at the Violent Femmes, who have inspired me for over 25 years.

Embracing what is true to me, disregarding the judgments of normativists and authoritarians, I’m in the Loving flow.

Mmmm. Cuddles.

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Encounter with psychologist

After a bout of depression focused around my lack of intimate love, I saw a doctor, who referred me to a psychologist, and along I went today, to see if I was missing any angle, or allow myself to be talked into taking hormones, or be comfortable being celibate, or perhaps find some third alternative. Guess what? Third alternative. Not that that was suggested by the psychologist... She was pretty sure taking hormones was the way to go. Her reasoning was that I deserved love, and hormones would make me more attractive to, ah, vaginaphilic men. I responded that if I am lovable, why do I need to take potion X to be lovable? If I am lovable, then I am lovable, with or without the addition of hormones. For me to take hormones to be lovable firmly implies that I am not lovable without hormones.

And I reject that. I am very happy with my unique eunuch body. I am just unhappy that I have not so far been able to find someone I fancy who fancies me with my unique eunuch body.

"I am lovable, just as I am." That feels true for me.

"I need to buy my lovability from the chemist"... that makes me nauseous.

"Wear shoes next time." That tells me this therapist is not for me.

I can't get reasonable help from people blinded by the idea that gender is binary, who can't see that the ascription of femininity or masculinity is an arbitrary invention of the imagination.

" You weren't born a eunuch," she said when I said I was happy with my eunuch body and wanted to find a partner who loved it as I did.

Ah, but I was born intersexed, I told her, with a feminised brain sprung to pattern my mother's behaviours, not my fathers, and a body with male parts and whatnot. I love my male skeleton, I love my feminine walk, I love my male vocal range, I love my female vocal patterns.

My truth, subject to new information, but for now, my truth is that I am androgynous, not ambiguous, and this is the way I am meant to be in this society struggling to evolve from brutal farm-breeding-based-morality, and I am lovable just as I am, and I hope and pray the Universe is kind enough to send me physical confirmation of this, but I am not ready to abandon reason for the comfort of normativity, or take hormones to attract a partner. I mean, if I'm not sexy, then I'm not sexy, but I reckon I am, and don't care for the tastes of those who disagree.

She wants me to wear shoes as a "hygene issue". I reject the idea that a bare sole is dirtier than an nerveless shoe. I choose free soles over fear of dirt.

And I choose to let this Universe love me as I am, without product X changing me. If the Universe makes a human like me so content with being a femme boy with a cunt, attracted to boys who seem a little androgynous, then it is quite likely it makes a boy I find attractive who will find me attractive. I'd rather trust the benevolence of a loving Universe than the interests of the Western Medical-Pharmaceutical-Industrial Complex.

I just have to pester my friends for more hugs till I find a proper lover. And trust the best of what my heart tells me, and not indulge in weepy dramatic replays of my sad history love-life-wise. Where I been don't matter at all next to where I'm going, and it's only where I am that counts.

There are no visible means of support for my heart, but that's okay. It's the invisible that supports people living at my level, if we trust it to.

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Sunday, January 21, 2007

Love and let love!

Figuring there was one way for me to get laid, I headed down to William Street last Thursday wearing not a lot, and within an hour, I was bedded by a very fit young brick layer, and richer for the experience. I haven’t been able to give it away for free for years, but I can sell it. Go figure.

Not so much luck Friday night, when I was thrown off by the pigs interfering with me going about my lawful business. Pulled up on the kerb and told me someone wearing the same badge as me had been throwing bottles. I had a word to their boss today, who will remind them they are servants of the public, not tyrants, and it is not wise to interfere contemptuously with active citizens going about their lawful business.

Saturday was a total cop porn movie, with the entire Block blocked off because a gang of gunslingers (the cops) had been fired at by someone else with a gun. Copper chopper all night, cars searched, ID demanded of citizens by the infestation of armed mercenaries. No suggestion the gunman was shooting at anyone with a gun, so we citizens were all safe, yet it is we citizens who were prevented from returning to our own homes. No explanation, by the way, was given to us at the time the police elected to impose martial law on the people’s homes and commons.

You are not our masters, copper. You are our servants, and in theory at least, you are answerable to us, not the other way about. At least, as far as we ensure you are.

Anyway, off to the street with me, I could still do with the sex, and the money. And then dancing at a gay or mixed club, and maybe a chance to sleep listening to someone else breathing. Ahhh!

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Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Hooray for Jollywood

Peat's Ridge Festival this New Year, and I was hanging around the anarchist cast and crew of Jollywood, probably the most active (and radical) music stage area there. Out and about with the "general public" however, I had to process tons of tranyphobia. My gender non-conformity was blatantly obvious, since I danced around topless most of the time, and I could hear people in tents around us talking about the trany, what genitals did he have, and a lot of judgmentalism about transsexuality. But, I processed this; Most people believe the mainstream media, most people have a problem with gender diversity, and all of those people have toxic belief systems I choose not to take on board. I love them as I love the rest of the Universe, but that doesn't mean I need let their toxic beliefs poison my experience. They're just wrong, and one day they may wake up to reality, but in the meantime, I keep the company of the tiny minority, who act from love, creativity, friendship and compassion, not from fear or judgmentalism.

Sad to say, I was wearing virginal white on New Year's Day, but I did get a reasonable offer the next day from a nice man who gave me a ride on his motorbike. (Not quite my type, not quite the right time.)

I was consoled from ending 2006 sexlessly by sleeping with my best friend in his Mum's campervan, in quiet bliss listening to someone else's breathing during the night. I even enjoyed the sound of snoring from nearby tents. I don't think I was meant to sleep alone.

It does seem obvious that the course I've chosen, being true to myself, and so expressing as androgynous, and having the body of a boy with a vagina, I am subject to vilification by normativists, and close off many sexual options, as most normal straight identifying boys are apparently freaked out by me as a sexual prospect.

But open minded people are far better quality, and I am still hopeful that there is at least one human I find attractive who will reciprocate and consummate this attraction.

Thankfully, I was inoculated against the Messiah Complex when I was at Uni, but Christ, this is what it's like being uncompromisingly committed to love and the truth as I personally find it to be for me. The majority of people don't understand, and many actively vilify. They are not evil, they are just acting from belief systems that are now toxic, and voting for hypocrites who take us to war. I continue to love them and accept them as they are, but I will pay no heed to their foolishness.

And I shall pay no heed to the tranyphobia, or the fear that the people with gender diverse bodies, or my body in particular, won't get laid. The more I entertain that last fear, the more it manifests. It's just a thought, not a reality, despite it's being supported by my personal history. The thought created that aspect of my history, but it shall not withstand the reality of a Universe made from Love, as long as my focus is more on what I love than on what I fear.

I am absolutely committed to unconditional universal love, and that includes loving my androgyny, and refusing to change it while it feels so right for me, and trusting that the Universe does bring me all that I need, and if it turns out that this really means that I am practically physically sexually unlovable in this time and society, then I will be sustained by other manifestations of love.

And, between you and me, some of the anarchist boys began returning sexual eye contact with me as we packed up the festival, and I am somewhat optimistic about my chances of enjoying a jolly wood in the near future.

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