A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Cheers

I work up this morning a little sad, the oxytocin aint happening so much, as I am less hopeful that my current intimate attraction will ever be reciprocated, because despite my paramour's profession of genderfluid sexuality, they recently let slip a preference for penis over pussy, and I am neither fish nor fowl.

But I have learned that I can fall in love with someone's body because I have fallen in love with their mind, and therefor it is intellectually concievably possible that someone could likewise fall in love with my body if they fall in love with my mind.

Or do I just fall in love with anyone who shows me some affection, but they are always going to be more attracted to men or women, and I should just be grateful for their company and the limited affection they can bestow on a girlyboy whose dick is shaped like a vagina?

But I am sure now that I don't want to make myself into a man or a woman, because I need to love myself first, and I only feel love for my body and brain as a eunuch with my own body's hormonal influences.

I had an opportunity to hook up with a bisexual adventurer from Adult MatchMaker, but I am now very cold on the idea of giving my intimacy to someone who is not emotionally intimate with me. Which is why I decided to* quit sex work last week (*PS:And while I didn't go out then to the strasa, I did go out a week later to keep the phone and computer connected, in what eventuated to be a movie finish, almost Pretty Woman, but I still have a crush on girly boys, and hey, I crossed the line, I gave him (my last client) my number, cos I want to give God/The Universe as much chance as possible to give me a personal initmate loving relationship) . I'd rather keep my heart's energies for more meaningful relationships, and respect my powerful and vulnerable human emotionality, rather than use my intimate expression to please others without regard for my own emotional and intimate wants (More PS written a week later: But my last client gave me what I needed, met me emotionally, and met quite a few of my intimate wants. Especially when he kissed and held me. Only Love Is.)

I've been off the hormone meds and the antidepressant meds for a couple of weeks now, and I am liking myself a lot more. Today I can content myself with narcissism, although tonight I may wish I had soporific drugs, to dull the craving I get for loving human touch as sleep time approaches. But I've got nearly four litres of wine left, so I should be okay.

Cheers.

Labels: ,

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home