A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

S.A.D.

Crap. I've crashed now, can't sleep, keep thinking I have no hope of hooking up with any guy I actually fancy. My brain is stuck in the old "all gay guys want someone with a penis, all straight guys want someone with boobs, and the bi guys want someone with penis or boobs, and I have neither" routine, except now I know I can't grow boobs, cos I am just completely uncomfortable with them on my body.

I am envious of everyone who can hook up, all my friends who can hook up on the internet dating sites, or at parties, or dance clubs, or Sex On Premises Venues (all of which I've tried extensively and heartbreakingly failed at), all my friends who have lots of sex and all the sex partners they want, and even those who are satisfied with cybersex or webcam wanking. I am envious of all those who can get the kind of sexual human contact they want. I am even envious of those who can pay for sex, for I am too freakish even for working boys (as I found out a couple of years ago when I was lonely and rich).

And I feel despair because there is just nothing that works for me except maybe standing in the street in the cold for hours in stilletoes being bored mindless and occassionally getting picked by some stranger who only wants me as a sex worker for a discreet half hour or two.

And I hate not being able to sleep, and having my brain stuck in such depressing thoughts, locked in the pain of emptiness, loneliness, skin hunger and hopelessness.

Geez, I hope it's just S.A.D, Seasonally Affected Disorder, caused by the onset of Winter, and time passing will change my mood or circumstances. Right now my only consolation is that eventually I will be dead.

Phooey. Enough with the Depression! Where's my Mania?!

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