A Eunuch's Love Life

The more personally intimate blog of the love life of an androgynous but not sexless eunuch in this post-modern world

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Just a little update

My Best Friend is away on a long road trip for a couple of weeks, so I am compensating by having him here with me on my profile pic.

My schoolgirl crush on girlyBoyX has eased up, in light of my more realistic assessment of their limits, and I am now just deeply in love with all the girly boys in the world. And a couple of tomboy girls ; )

My straight job prospects are looking better, as I am feeling much more competent without the meds, more confident now that I have stopped trying to not be so androgynous, and I have a Diploma in the area I want to return to work in (Community Services), awarded as a work-place assessment by my last employer, when a Certificate 3 is the minimum requirement (and a Diploma is two degrees better). My Job Network provider, who I saw today, has given me confidence that I will be starting appropriate employment real soon.

I have broken free of the chains of normativism, of the bind of gender binary, and of the victimising grip of the Medical-Industrial complex.

And I am very cheered that the song I performed and uploaded a month ago has over a thousand hits! And last night's original song has over a hundred hits already! (These and other songs of mine are posted on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrL6toN4GkY )

My genes are millions of years old, my gender is the same as God, and my family is all of humanity.

Limitless Love always triumphs over the limits of Fear and human authoritarianism!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Cheers

I work up this morning a little sad, the oxytocin aint happening so much, as I am less hopeful that my current intimate attraction will ever be reciprocated, because despite my paramour's profession of genderfluid sexuality, they recently let slip a preference for penis over pussy, and I am neither fish nor fowl.

But I have learned that I can fall in love with someone's body because I have fallen in love with their mind, and therefor it is intellectually concievably possible that someone could likewise fall in love with my body if they fall in love with my mind.

Or do I just fall in love with anyone who shows me some affection, but they are always going to be more attracted to men or women, and I should just be grateful for their company and the limited affection they can bestow on a girlyboy whose dick is shaped like a vagina?

But I am sure now that I don't want to make myself into a man or a woman, because I need to love myself first, and I only feel love for my body and brain as a eunuch with my own body's hormonal influences.

I had an opportunity to hook up with a bisexual adventurer from Adult MatchMaker, but I am now very cold on the idea of giving my intimacy to someone who is not emotionally intimate with me. Which is why I decided to* quit sex work last week (*PS:And while I didn't go out then to the strasa, I did go out a week later to keep the phone and computer connected, in what eventuated to be a movie finish, almost Pretty Woman, but I still have a crush on girly boys, and hey, I crossed the line, I gave him (my last client) my number, cos I want to give God/The Universe as much chance as possible to give me a personal initmate loving relationship) . I'd rather keep my heart's energies for more meaningful relationships, and respect my powerful and vulnerable human emotionality, rather than use my intimate expression to please others without regard for my own emotional and intimate wants (More PS written a week later: But my last client gave me what I needed, met me emotionally, and met quite a few of my intimate wants. Especially when he kissed and held me. Only Love Is.)

I've been off the hormone meds and the antidepressant meds for a couple of weeks now, and I am liking myself a lot more. Today I can content myself with narcissism, although tonight I may wish I had soporific drugs, to dull the craving I get for loving human touch as sleep time approaches. But I've got nearly four litres of wine left, so I should be okay.

Cheers.

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Friday, April 11, 2008

Oxytocin

I am enjoying the blissful action of oxytocin, flooding my brain in reaction to the idea that a cute guy could really possibly find me sexually attractive, me as I truly am, without gender restriction or hormones or anything other than beautiful androgyny manifested. The oxytocin flows as long as I entertain the possibility my infatuation could be reciprocal, and the object of my ardour has fanned this with several pieces of enticing supporting evidence (for the theory of reciprocity), but of course flirtation always allows for plausible deniability.. but I continue to imagine the possibility of consummation, and the oxytocin flows...



This may be some survival mechanism at work. The oxytocin flow started after I had another Heath Ledger day (awoke after taking a bottle of sleeping tablets), and, during discussion with girly BoyX, I decided to go off hormones, because I don't like my body shape or function with them, and it kind of lessens my survival mechanisms if I don't care about the body I'm in, and see it deviate away from the form I really like. Oh, and because BoyX indicated he loved the form I had before, without hormones, and if this is true, it creates the possibility than some other boys will likewise find my androgynous form attractive.



So, with the emotional manoevres of BoyX, and a desire to not lose my sense of self by choosing mainstream options over faith in my own integrity, I resolved to go off the hormones. That was three days ago, and so far I'm travelling fine, consciously coasting along with oxytocin, not allowing too close an examination of the theory that BoyX could actually find me attractive. I just need to enjoy this schoolgirl crush and feel okay about my sexual prospects as an androgyne, and get back into the swing of being a unique human being, not a marketing category.



As for the hormones, I gave it a quarter try, but that was all I could stand, watching my body and brain function deteriorate over the last three months. Boobs just feel wrong for me personally. For me, being a eunuch with a wadge is sexier than being an imitation of a woman.



Viva la difference!

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Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Tits and Alienation

I went on hormones again because I was depressed about being loverless, and the doctors and counsellors kept telling me the problem was that my primary sex characteristic (a replicunt) didn’t match the secondary characteristics (flat chest, boyish figure). Now I am three months into the process and am neither fish nor fowl. I guess I look like a pre-op trany with my little hormone titties. I can’t expect the boobs to make much difference until they reach full size, expected after six months of ’mones, i.e. three months away...



My body doesn’t feel right. I get all the naff side effects of hormone treatment, tiredness, poor concentration, poor memory retention or access, and manic-depressive mood swings. Worse, if I stand up quickly, I nearly faint. I’m used to a much fitter body and a better functioning brain. But, I can’t face being loverless forever, so I give up my intellect for tits.



And the dubious part of me thinks they won’t make the slightest bit of difference.



I was at a party on Saturday night where some kids were playing spin the bottle. I remembered my primary school classmates playing spin the bottle, with the girl I had a crush on in Grade 5, and wishing there was some way I could join the circle. But I never knew how, and I still don’t know how, and I think that’s more of an obstacle than primary or secondary sex characteristics can ever be.



I just finished reading "Look Me In the Eyes", the autobio of an Aspergian, and I definitely identified with the social alienation he suffered. For years I had trouble with the question, "How are you?", unable to grasp that it was almost never literally meant. I could hardly ever tell when people were serious or not. I couldn’t understand why they would say things they did not mean literally. Now I know it’s all part of the social dialogue, the rhetorical questions, codes of dressing, and subtle gestures that other people easily understand, while I was left thinking they all had some sort of secret knowledge or secret language or telepathy that excluded me, and that isn’t too far off the mark I guess.



I partly hope that the boobs due to fully arrive in three months will compensate for my social inarticulacy, so that I can have a lover, and I partly hope they won’t, so that I can (go off hormones and) have back the body and brain I can move freely in.



Luckily, the future is an unknown country, and there may be many more fortuitous possibilities there, if only I can continue proceeding into it.

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Thursday, April 03, 2008

Eunuch anniversary

It’s my pussy’s twentieth birthday today (ie I made a cunt out my myself nineteen years ago), and the nineteenth anniversary of me becoming a eunuch, and here’s another survey poo-pooing eunuchs...

But I don’t care.. I have an amazing social and sex life, so : p

http://www.blogthings.com/howboyishorgirlishareyouquiz/

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish
You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don’t actively fight them.
You’re just you. You don’t try to be what people expect you to be.