Feeling the love
While I've been offline, my life has been going swimmingly. I had a tiff (not too fine a point to put on 't) with my housemate, but came to my senses (after 3 days, could have been less, could have been more, whatever...) and waged peace instead, and he has since extended his planned stay, so I am quite flattered that I hold a good space. I'm not disturbed by how nasty I can be, for I appreciate my animal powers too, but it is my choice to use my powers for good, and life is much more rewarding that way.
I had a whole crisis of faith in myself this year, thinking I might be unloveable in my androgynous state beyond the gender binary, and ended up on hormones and antidepressants for three months before my narcissistic androgynous integrity reasserted itself, and I returned to my natural beautiful nymphomaniacal eunuch state.
For the past few years, I had been despondent of ever finding a person who fancied me who I fancied, and was wondering if the gender-binarists were right, and even when I went back off hormones, I wasn't sure if I could be sexually attractive, but I knew I had to be myself to like my self, and having the androgynous body I love is very important to me, and faking my existence with hormones and a normative gender that just doesn't quite fit me was just not worth living.
Then, a month ago, slogging through reams of crossed agendas in response to an internet dating ad finally paid off, and I've discovered actual proof that the sort of boy I think is heaven on a stick can actually be turned on by me, and whether it develops into more than a month of very sexy sex or not, I now have confidence in my sexuality again.
The lack of confidence had been the problem. Every time a hot guy looked at me, I'd assume he was checking out someone behind me, instead of engaging him. Fear is the mind killer.
The sexiest thing about my August fuck buddy/sleeping companion, is that his skin feels just like mine. Chinese boys feels like Celtic eunuchs. Being physically loved by him has led to me being in love with myself. However will the marketers sell me anything now?
I am a very happy little post-modern post-transsexual sexy freaky geek, in a universally interconnected Universe that obviously loves me very much.
May you too feel the love, and fear less.